I’m a strawberry man now. Strawberries like coastal areas
with temps ranging from 50 – 80 degrees. I think I might be a strawberry. Work
is a lot of walking and staring at the undersides of leaves. Which could be
boring if you don’t have an inventive imagination. There are little worlds down
there.
There are little caterpillars called cluster caterpillars
that form bivouacs, and they’re all packed together chewing out stained glass
windows on the leaves. Of course this hurts the strawbs and strawbs are allies.
So we bomb them like Dresden. So it goes.
Another caterpillar flies more solo. Literally because they
turn into moths, but also because they lay a single egg. They’re super into Michelangelo
though, cuz they carve these intricate patterns into their eggs. They look like
the pots from The Legend of Zelda. And they let them sit there, and we have to
come in smash em.
But I’m mostly employed by the two spotted mite. A whole
industry based on this little guy. Two spotted mites have two spots. Often
taxonomic professionals aren’t the most creative and I think that’s a good
thing.
Did you know aphids give live young? There’s a scene in A
Bug’s Life, where this mother aphid gives birth. They’re like one of the only
insects that do that.
And if I ever want to go back in time I can use my
magnifying glass to focus the sunlight and start burning stuff. That’s handy to
have. If I’m ever in a survival situation that’s like the only way I know how
to make fire. I used to do that on my
driveway in the summer. We’d try to catch the light at the right angle and
distance to fry the ants on the ground. It made a terrible smell. If you think
that makes me a psychopath then go play the Sims and tell me how long you last
without killing anyone.
I think I’m automatically pretty good at this job, as opposed
to being a chef doofus, a marketing moron, or a sales jockey. I had always been
able to pick out animals in nature faster than anyone else. I could spot
minnows in lakes miles away, and I am the best zoo guide friend cuz I’ll always
find the animals. They’re usually asleep.
I spend my time hanging out in tidal pools listening to
podcasts when I’m not working. Today I poked what I thought was a sea slug. It
was a sea slug, never second guess yourself. We both freaked out and he zipped
up like rubber band and I fell and soaked my butt. Also followed some water
birds and crab battlers and saw a shattered lobster carcass.
Saw some sort of legless hell spawn writhing on the sidewalk
the other night. It was like a huge murderworm. I didn’t get too close, def
evil.
I was running though Lake Currimundi Reserve, when I got the beach and walked around there cuz its soups pretty. And I decided that I didn’t want to run back the way I came. There’s murderworms, and crazysnakes and demonspiders in there. Plus I don’t like the way the grass touches my leg.
So I needed to cut across the estuary that separated the
beach. At first it was fine, ankle deep clear brackish water. Probably not a
stonefish that could kill me instantly. Then it got a little deeper and I’m
like “Sawfish don’t live this far south, I’m fine”. Til finally I’m holding my
shoes and iPod above my head and I’m chest deep in water and I keep running
this scenario in my head “THIS IS HOW IT HAPPENS, BULL SHARKS ARE KNOWN TO GO
INTO FRESH WATER, MOST ATTACKS OCCUR IN LESS THAN 5 FEET OF WATER, FIRST YOU’LL
FEEL A BUMP, THEN YOUR LEG COMES OFF”. I had greatly underestimated the depth
and clarity of the water. And that’s the scariest part because you can’t see
anything and your mind goes crazy.
Anyway I made it out alive and scrambled up the dunes and
out of any Leviathans' reach. And that’s when I saw the “No Swimming” sign.
