I don’t like Halloween. I know that’s an unpopular opinion
to have, especially being a Child of the 90’s (a 90’s kid). Halloween as a kid
is supposed to be this free for all sugar candy fest. Where you and all your
friends pillage your neighborhood for the best candy. As an adult
it’s an especially ideal night for mischief, you can dress up and be different
people!
First thing. I don’t like candy. Fuck you, I said it. I
don’t like candy that isn’t chocolate based. Reese’s and Hershey’s are great,
but everything else (I don’t know are Smarties still a candy?) just wishes it
was chocolate. It evaporates too fast and is too sweet and acidizes on the
tongue and roof of my mouth. Candy is gross. A holiday that celebrates it is
going to start off on the wrong foot.
Second thing. I don’t like gore. It’s pretty natural to feel
disgust when presented with blood or maimery. We’ve evolved over millions of
years to feel these things so we can avoid them because they can cause us harm.
OK I can’t find any evidence for that, but blood carries diseases right? So peopley-things
that were afraid of blood avoided it and passed on their genes because they
didn’t die from blood borne diseases. There’s similar theory for snakes and
spiders too so here’s that article, I’m just extending. I’m pretty sure I’m
right.
I don’t like gore because I’m a human being. Fake or
otherwise. I can’t watch tosh.0 for all the injuries going on there. It’s all
just too cringey. Why would I get joy from that? The zombies, skeletons, and
death themery is (understandably) off putting.
Third thing (Because you need threes to make a point) and probably
the most important thing. And also the most dramatic, I’m aware of the
hyperbole I’m about to make.
We dress up as all these characters, some scary, some from
TV, and some just as puns. But I don’t care to… Maybe it’s the not liking candy
and body horror, that’s half the reason for the season. I’m already
disinterested and now I’m supposed to come up with a clever costume? C’mon.
So doubtlessly I avoid thinking about a costume until the
weekend of. And at best, I will slap together something resembling an 80’s
rockstar outfit, which is really just another version of me, just having an
excuse to wear it in public.
Well isn’t that your fault Taylor? Just be better at
costumes! No you’re not listening! If
Halloween wants me to be better at costumes then it has to be a better holiday.
Instead of a celebration of limbless saccharine highs, maybe one about steaks
and yoga. Or bicycles and pie. Then I’ll dress up.
So on Halloween I get guilted into going into a party
(because what’s a party without me there), with my half-baked costume and bad attitude.
Amidst a tide of “Who are you supposed to be?s” I’ll sit across from a Tobias
Funke (there have been a few) and feel inadequate. Not that Tobias is a wildly
creative costume, it’s just a big commitment to completely “blue” yourself. Why
are we trying to be different people anyway? Aren’t we already pretending to be too many
people? (Dramaaaaaaticcccc)
Halloween is a physical manifestation of the differences
between me and other people. It’s so obvious that for tonight at least, what I
care about and what other people care about is so vastly different that you can
see it on other people. Would you like to see the set of qualities that separates
you from everyone else? Let’s just make that painfully obvious.
So I don’t like Halloween. And that’s ok. And that’s my
point. I catch too much flak for disliking it. Now you know. Stop inviting me to
your parties
