Day of Pee

I was sleeping the other night, like you do after a particularly drinky time on the town. I was facing the wall, when I felt a warm liquid sensation on my calves. I jettisoned upright, half dazed, thinking I was peeing myself. However I wasn’t peeing myself, someone else was peeing myself.

I realized everything very quickly and gave a swift kick and emotional yelp at the shadowy figure. In a twirl of sheets he also yelped and I realized it was my friend Danier. He shouted “I’m so sorry!” and ran out of the room, presumably to continue his business in a more appropriate location. I sat on the edge of the damp bed confused.

We had been drinking together that night and I knew he was very drunk. He came back and apologized and gave me his sweatshirt to cover the wet spot. Inexplicably, I couldn’t get quite comfortable enough to sleep again.

His version of the story was a little different. In his mind he had been peeing in a lovely waterfall. I’m flattered.

Danier realized he was a bit of a sleep walker and twice now a “sleep pee-r”. Last time this happened he had wandered into the wrong apartment in Chicago and just peed all over the living room, Big Lebowski style. I found the whole thing super funny, and proudly wear the badge of the golden shower. He owes me a jug of beer now anyway.

My day continued the trend of subdued self-deprecating humour.

But wait there’s more! More bed time unwelcome visitors.

The other week I woke up because there was some guy in my bed. Just some guy, not a friend, not a roommate, not even staying at the hostel. He was sitting in my bed, and I don’t know how long he had been there but I bumped into him and woke up. He was also surprised, as if I had been in his bed. Sometimes property rights feel very ingrained in human nature. My bed.

I thought this shirtless hooligan was out of his mind drunk. He was babbling about how he was just gonna sleep on the floor and it would all be ok, he wasn’t gonna hurt anyone. He wasn’t “in a rapey mood” anyway. Which would imply he has rapey moods. Which would mean he had to go.

But we (The whole room had woken up by now) had to be careful, he was a big guy with a boxer build, and was wayyyyy too on edge. I played good cop, giving him food and water, he was very gracious, but I always hinting at him having to go. The others were more aggressive, and eventually one guy went out to call the cops. He came back with a bartender but close enough.

After the bartender had coerced him to leave, our resident Russian-born marine videographer informed me that that guy was on meth. Close calls with Neanderthals.

Back to pee day. I couldn’t really go back to sleep that day so I was up really early just biking around, wifi hunting. I stumbled upon a pile of bikes in the street, like in the street in the way. Normally I wouldn’t think anything of it, but my friend had just had her bike stolen. I knew she was down a bike so….

I mulled around the morality of taking one. It wasn’t “right” in the most traditional sense, but these bikes had been abandoned, perhaps thrown down in a drug (meth???) fueled stupor. And these weren’t going to be used today, if there was any rush to retrieve them they’d have gotten them by now and my friend needed to go to work today.

So I took one. A little baby blue cruiser.

And gave it to her. Her is a girl, and we had been hanging out most days. Watching Rick and Morty, drinking, biking drunk in graveyards, getting high, having tea, planning to go on adventures, but never actually having the same days off, to establish the relationship we have. So I like her.

Because I am for an open and transparent system of government, I wanted to establish that I liked her and invite her on a date. We biked together to work (for her) and wifi (for him), and I just asked if she’d like to go on a date.

“A date?”

“Yea it’s like this social construct where, through a series of activities I try to convince you to like me, it’s like over 200 years old, you should be familiar”

Then a bit of a pause, which puts me back on.

“Or is that too formal?”

“Maybe a bit too formal. But we can keep hanging out!”

So boom! Rejected! But that’s ok, low stakes and things are fine.

I told my friend back home about it and she was trying to be helpful, she asked "Why wouldn't she want to date you"? Which then makes me think about all the reasons why she wouldn't want to. It's like the accidental meanest way t be supportive.

The third thing in the Day of Pee is the worst thing though.

I have a flight back to the US on November 11^th. Because I bought my return ticket when I bought my outbound ticket, and that was the furthest date I could buy to fly back. I don’t want to go back though. Well I do, but not then.

And it’s $300 just to move the ticket. Way over what I was expecting. That’s $400 AUD, a solid chunk of change and approximately 20% of my current free flowing cash. Why do “$” go in front of the numbers and “%” go behind? I think the “$” should go behind too.

So problem, do I buy an extra month to spend extra money, or return home with more money but less Australia? I dunno.